Good Night B.S.

I am not sick but I am struggling to live. I am not sick but I am extremely nauseous. I am not sick but my head and heart are pounding. I am not sick but my body is shaking and breaking down. I am not sick I have Type One Diabetes. It is currently midnight and I can not sleep. My blood sugar is 295 with a straight-up arrow for no reason. I have hardly eaten all day and I can't even begin to imagine how much insulin I have taken today. All

I know is every time I go to dose the number is over 10 units worth and I have dosed myself a lot today.

On top of that, I had to change my Omnipod because it ran out of insulin and I just put it on the night before. So in less than 24 hours, I have gone through 200 units of insulin. I feel weird right now I am cold but I am sweating, I am exhausted but wide awake, and I am starving but nauseous. It is weird. For me, my Type One always makes me sick more than I would like to admit even to myself. I  put on this act in front of others so that they think that I am always ok and sometimes I even convince myself that the way I feel must be normal. Everyone must feel this when they are happy because feeling sick is normal at least to me, but I am not sick. I am not contagious I don’t have the flu, I don’t have a cold or COVID. I just have Type One Diabetes. I wish more people understood that. I wish more people in my community Understand that I always do my best even with my Type One nipping at my heels and trying to drag me down. Don’t get me wrong sometimes it catches me and I sink. I sink into this pit of burden back to feeling sick but I am not sick. I just have this disease that is nonstop 24/7 a work in progress except sometimes there is no progress. Sometimes I try and try and try and I stuck being high or low. I feel like everything I have learned over the years is pointless. I wish that everything I tried worked. I know that I will have Type One Diabetes for the rest of my life and I am ok with that. I just wish that every time I treated a high it would come down.  Every time I treated a low it would come up. Now nothing is perfect and I do not need my wish to be either. I just wish that all this knowledge I have from all my doctors and research of my own over the years would help more than hurt. I found that the times I have down the best thinking are on nights like these. The sleepless nights of Type One Diabetes. On nights like these, I like to write like this because it helps me focus on something other than Why isn't my insulin working, why isn't that juice box kicking in !!! Before I started writing this I dosed myself another 10 units of insulin because my pump said too. I would like you to stop for a second before reading on to think ok she started writing this at midnight it's now 12:20. Her starting B.S. was 295 straight up and now it is drum roll,  please… 

305 and truthfully Type One Diabetes that is a Load of B.S. I hope to all the Type Ones and their caregivers out there your night was at least a little better than mine.  

Good Night B.S.