- The Reality of BS -

3, 2, 1 and Repeat. Care today, Cure tomorrow. Burnout is one of those topics that isn't talked about often. Recently, I have not been in love with my type one as much as I used to be. Now you might be thinking, “How can you be in love with a death-defying disease?” Well, for me, I feel as though it's easier to live life with the intent of being who you are meant to be, and for me, that means having a disease full of unknowns. Does anyone have a hard time putting on their devices? Well, I do. It has been a struggle recently. I have been doing this for a long time now, so why am I having such a problem with a simple thing? Even though I have been doing it for so long, it becomes harder because every day it’s clearer that there is no end to this fight. I have heard since diagnosis that there will be a cure for type one in 5 years, so where is it? Care today, Cure tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I love my type one as I have said before, but at this moment, the struggle of love or death is hard. Every day I talk about my type one and say, “I don't want there to be a cure, and if there is, I am not going to take it because I don’t know where I would be without it.” Yes, it is weird. On one hand, I love it, but on the other, the more I think about the cure, my burnout kicks in, and all I can think is please, please, please, let this be over, or at least for at least just a minute. One of my friends and I talked about type one and how we feel it is our capture. I get it, it's weird to think of it that way, but it is. As much as I try to let my Type One Diabetes not control me, it does. When I am high, I feel sick. When I am low, I feel sick. When I am in range, I feel sick. When I struggle to put a device on and have a panic attack over it, I feel sick. With that being said, I have learned how to keep a smile on my face. When people ask me how my blood sugar is, I put on a smile and say it's fine, even though it’s not. If I answer it truthfully, it makes me feel worse because most people do not understand what I mean when I say I am high or low. One day I was talking to my only functioning pancreas (my Mom), and I told her that my free trial/warranty phase was over, can we stop the trial now? Meaning my Honeymoon phase is over, and every day becomes more and more of a mystery. When will it finally stop? Waking up at night is always terrifying because you either wake up from a low and you have this adrenaline rush of your brain shutting down and your fight or flight mode kicks in, and then can’t fall back to sleep. You wake up high, and you don’t want to get up because it is a high blood sugar, and there is a good chance you don’t feel good anyway, so why would you want to wake up? All the finger pricks with that small but painful lancet that I probably haven't changed in over a year, drawing the small droplet of blood to put on the test strip to tell me if I am dying or not. Every time I see my meter count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I hold my breath in the hope that my number isn't as bad as I think it is. Many people have asked me what was your life like before type one and do I remember it. I never had an answer until today. There is no before type one because I have always had it, but I just never knew. The tiny memory I have from before my diagnosis was confusion and sickness that I cannot explain. I never realized how much people's gaze could affect me, but it does. The other day I caught someone staring at my pump, and all I could think about was trying to hide it. How come I can switch so quickly from being confident in who I am, to feeling like I need to hide? At the end of the day, it all comes back to Burnout, the thing that stops me from being who I truly am, the thing that stops me from being happy, the thing that stops me from taking care of myself the way I should. Care today, Cure tomorrow.