I am not sick but I am struggling to live. I am not sick but I am extremely nauseous. I am not sick but my head and heart are pounding. I am not sick but my body is shaking and breaking down. I am not sick I have Type One Diabetes. It is currently midnight and I can not sleep. My blood sugar is 295 with a straight-up arrow for no reason. I have hardly eaten all day and I can't even begin to imagine how much insulin I have taken today. All I know is every time I go to dose the number is over 10 units worth and I have dosed myself a lot today. On top of that, I had to change my Omnipod because it ran out of insulin and I just put it on the night before. So in less than 24 hours, I have gone through 200 units of insulin. I feel weird right now I am cold but I am sweating, I am exhausted but wide awake, and I am starving but nauseous. It is weird. For me, my Type One always makes me sick more than I would like to admit even to myself. I  put on this act in front of others so that they think that I am always ok and sometimes I even convince myself that the way I feel must be normal. Everyone must feel this when they are happy because feeling sick is normal at least to me, but I am not sick. I am not contagious I don’t have the flu, I don’t have a cold or COVID. I just have Type One Diabetes. I wish more people understood that. I wish more people in my community Understand that I always do my best even with my Type One nipping at my heels and trying to drag me down. Don’t get me wrong sometimes it catches me and I sink. I sink into this pit of burden back to feeling sick but I am not sick. I just have this disease that is nonstop 24/7 a work in progress except sometimes there is no progress. Sometimes I try and try and try and I stuck being high or low. I feel like everything I have learned over the years is pointless. I wish that everything I tried worked. I know that I will have Type One Diabetes for the rest of my life and I am ok with that. I just wish that every time I treated a high it would come down.  Every time I treated a low it would come up. Now nothing is perfect and I do not need my wish to be either. I just wish that all this knowledge I have from all my doctors and research of my own over the years would help more than hurt. I found that the times I have down the best thinking are on nights like these. The sleepless nights of Type One Diabetes. On nights like these, I like to write like this because it helps me focus on something other than Why isn't my insulin working, why isn't that juice box kicking in !!! Before I started writing this I dosed myself another 10 units of insulin because my pump said too. I would like you to stop for a second before reading on to think ok she started writing this at midnight it's now 12:20. Her starting B.S. was 295 straight up and now it is drum roll,  please…  305 and truthfully Type One Diabetes that is a Load of B.S. I hope to all the Type Ones and their caregivers out there your night was at least a little better than mine.   Good Night B.S.

3, 2, 1 and Repeat. Care today, Cure tomorrow. Burnout is one of those topics that isn't talked about often. Recently, I have not been in love with my type one as much as I used to be. Now you might be thinking, “How can you be in love with a death-defying disease?” Well, for me, I feel as though it's easier to live life with the intent of being who you are meant to be, and for me, that means having a disease full of unknowns. Does anyone have a hard time putting on their devices? Well, I do. It has been a struggle recently. I have been doing this for a long time now, so why am I having such a problem with a simple thing? Even though I have been doing it for so long, it becomes harder because every day it’s clearer that there is no end to this fight. I have heard since diagnosis that there will be a cure for type one in 5 years, so where is it? Care today, Cure tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I love my type one as I have said before, but at this moment, the struggle of love or death is hard. Every day I talk about my type one and say, “I don't want there to be a cure, and if there is, I am not going to take it because I don’t know where I would be without it.” Yes, it is weird. On one hand, I love it, but on the other, the more I think about the cure, my burnout kicks in, and all I can think is please, please, please, let this be over, or at least for at least just a minute. One of my friends and I talked about type one and how we feel it is our capture. I get it, it's weird to think of it that way, but it is. As much as I try to let my Type One Diabetes not control me, it does. When I am high, I feel sick. When I am low, I feel sick. When I am in range, I feel sick. When I struggle to put a device on and have a panic attack over it, I feel sick. With that being said, I have learned how to keep a smile on my face. When people ask me how my blood sugar is, I put on a smile and say it's fine, even though it’s not. If I answer it truthfully, it makes me feel worse because most people do not understand what I mean when I say I am high or low. One day I was talking to my only functioning pancreas (my Mom), and I told her that my free trial/warranty phase was over, can we stop the trial now? Meaning my Honeymoon phase is over, and every day becomes more and more of a mystery. When will it finally stop? Waking up at night is always terrifying because you either wake up from a low and you have this adrenaline rush of your brain shutting down and your fight or flight mode kicks in, and then can’t fall back to sleep. You wake up high, and you don’t want to get up because it is a high blood sugar, and there is a good chance you don’t feel good anyway, so why would you want to wake up? All the finger pricks with that small but painful lancet that I probably haven't changed in over a year, drawing the small droplet of blood to put on the test strip to tell me if I am dying or not. Every time I see my meter count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I hold my breath in the hope that my number isn't as bad as I think it is. Many people have asked me what was your life like before type one and do I remember it. I never had an answer until today. There is no before type one because I have always had it, but I just never knew. The tiny memory I have from before my diagnosis was confusion and sickness that I cannot explain. I never realized how much people's gaze could affect me, but it does. The other day I caught someone staring at my pump, and all I could think about was trying to hide it. How come I can switch so quickly from being confident in who I am, to feeling like I need to hide? At the end of the day, it all comes back to Burnout, the thing that stops me from being who I truly am, the thing that stops me from being happy, the thing that stops me from taking care of myself the way I should. Care today, Cure tomorrow.

Growing Up Growing up is realizing that nothing gets easier, you just have more tools under your belt. For instance, with Type one diabetes I would love to say that over the many years of the roller coaster ride, I have figured out how to manage it, but I don't. I don't know because every low is different, every high is different. Every single little thing plays a major role in what happens next. One of the hardest things about type one is fighting the urge to give up. It's not the shots, it's not the 3 am low blood sugar wake-up calls, it's not the finger pricks or the site changes. It is not knowing if what you are about to do is going to kill you or not. I have fallen into a rut, I know what I am supposed to do, so I do it, but it doesn't work. So I end up feeling sick and then depressed because I feel like I am falling myself. I am the type of person who looks for an A and strives for perfection, But that's nowhere near what type one is about. Type one is full of imperfection. It's not a simple math formula to figure out, but instead, it's this twisted turn of events that is always changing. Over the years I have gotten many comments about my type one, well you know you can cure it all you need is cinnamon, yoga, celery, and a change of mindset. Like I am sorry but last time I checked changing my mindset eating cinnamon and doing yoga will not help me regain my beta cells. After all of these years my favorite one is when someone pulls out the  My mom's best friend's teacher cat has type one I know all about it. Now I have gotten this one many times just at different variations. Now I have gotten better at handling the comments but sometimes they rub me the wrong way. Every once in a while I will realize that I have a disease and that something is wrong with me. I have known this forever. I know I have a disease but sometimes the feeling hits a little too close to home. As much as those moments are hard they are also eye-opening because oh my gosh I have been keeping myself alive for years doing jobs that I was never meant to do. I am a pancreas, I am a mathematician (when it comes to diabetes), and most importantly I am me. I have been handling my diabetes on top of owning a business, on top of doing school, on top of trying to just be a teenager for a minute before it all goes away. I truly don't know how I do it all when I think about it, how I can handle high stress all the time. One of the things that type one has given me is my fake smile. It's the smile I use when I feel terrible and my diabetes isn't cooperating. It's my mask. I hate it because I feel like I am trying to be someone I am not. In other ways, I like it because it helps me feel less of a burden on people. Yes, they contradict themselves but it's true. I have learned that showing my emotions the way I feel just makes me feel worse because others around me ask if I am ok or what's wrong. I think that is my most dreaded question because no one except for another type one understands what I mean when I say I am high. I feel high. Trying to explain the way I feel to people is like trying to lead a horse to water. You can lead them there but it doesn't mean they will drink. I can tell people all I want to try to make them understand but they don't, because they don't live with it. Growing up has made me love who I am because look at me I am doing everything that everyone else does but I did it with Type One Diabetes.

The Girl Behind the Smile Looking in the mirror there is a girl, a girl who has a smile that keeps her hidden from the world, underneath the smile are the scars only a few people have seen. She looks at herself in the mirror and says wow I look pretty but wow that pump scare should be gone by now. Wow, she looks harder at herself and releases all of the dots and bruises and holes on her body that have been left behind from past shots, pumps, finger pricks, and conscious glucose monitor insertions. Wow, she is the girl who is sick. In her everyday life, no one around her gets it, yes they try to but only another Type One diabetic knows how it feels. She is thankful that she has Type One Diabetics in her life who are her best friends and her cheer team. Her friend group of type ones support each other more than words could ever explain. They are so close because they have grown up in a world full of people not knowing what it means to be Type One Diabetic and frankly they never will. People think that Diabetics don't have a disease because they can hide themselves in a crowd and no one will ever know unless the alarm goes off, then the room goes silent and everyone looks around like something bad is about to happen. The girl behind the smile feels embarrassed to say it was her because in a room full of people she doubts they would understand. Type One is a hidden disease which does not make it any less real. When people talk about type one diabetes they don't talk about all the other things that come along with it. Having the disease comes with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and so much more. The girl behind the smile is a girl who doesn't know what's next. The girl behind the smile is always scared worried and terrified that she is not doing the right thing. She is stuck, She is Sick, She is tired, and She is the girl who doesn't know who she is because she wouldn't be who she is without it. She looks in the mirror and sees a girl who rides and owns a horse, does art, plays the Ukulele, and loves to sing. She looks in the mirror and sees a cloud hanging over her head. That cloud is diabetes, No matter where she is, that cloud will always be there. There is nothing that will ever take away that cloud. The girl behind the smile is a girl who wants to achieve many goals in her life and wants to say that her type one does not hinder that, but the brutal truth is it does. Everyone says don't let this disease control you, but it's not that easy, it does control her. If she is low she can't do anything. She needs to sit and wait for her blood sugar to come up. If she is high she feels sick and tired, she feels like she was just hit by a bus. Just because she has good Blood sugar doesn't mean she feels good. If she has been high for a while, having good blood sugar feels weird. If she has a night of lows or highs she is suffering from a chronic Diabetic hangover. She desires to feel normal, she desires the day when she can make it through without feeling sick, She desires the day when the cloud can be blown away. The girl behind the smile is done waiting 5 more years for a cure. She feels like everything she has learned over the years doesn't work anymore. People say can't you just master your diabetes already you have had it like forever now. Type One Diabetes can never be mastered, can never be easier, and can never be fully understood. Everybody is different, Everybody's Type One is not the same. One of the things about being human is the fact that the body is always changing which means that type one acts differently too. She might become more insulin-resistant or sensitive, her correction factors may need to be changed. She always tries to know as much as she can but it almost feels useless. The girl behind the smile wants to know who she is. The The girl behind the smile wants to know what she can do to get out of this cycle of not knowing. The girl Behind the smile is me.

Welcome back to Bs with Hazel Austin In 2016, I was in Florida on vacation visiting my family when my whole life got turned upside down. I was only eight years old at the time and it was the last day of vacation and I couldn't help but feel dehydrated the more I drank, not to mention I had to use the restroom frequently. I was exhausted and the worst part was no one knew why. The first night with symptoms I frequented the restroom many times. The next morning I woke up in the same state as I was the day before. The only good news was that I got to go home and visit my doctor who hopefully could tell me why I was not feeling like myself. When my family and I were on the plane ride home I still couldn't get enough to drink and when you are on a plane having to drink a ton the gross bathroom becomes your best friend. I have never been able to be on a plan ever since. When I finally got home I waited patiently for what my doctor was going to say the following day in my appointment. At the doctor’s appointment I was stoic, I only thought it was a check up . Once my doctor entered the room, they thought that I had an infection and that's why I was dehydrated and why I was using the restroom constantly. Luckily for me, I have a mom who knows and knew what she was talking about when it came to me having Diabetes. She asked the doctor to test me for type one but the doctor said that it was not necessary and that she was worrying herself over nothing, but my mom pressed on until my doctor finally agreed to let me take the test. This meant that I had to urinate in a cup, and the unfortunate thing for me was at that moment I did not have to go to the bathroom. That did not stop my mom from wanting me to take the test. We ended up leaving the office and went to Rutters to get Gatorade for me to drink. When we went back to the doctors office, I went to the bathroom and gave my doctor the sample that they needed to complete the test and then it was back to waiting. Yet again, I was put in a place of fear asking myself if my life was over, because why would I take this type of test at a check up. After a few minutes go by, the doctor comes back in the room with their head down moping. They say to my mom how sorry they were for not trusting her motherly instinct in the first place ,and we have already made the call to Hershey Medical hospital and they were waiting for us to arrive. The doctor walked out, and I broke down crying because my worst fear just came true. My mom and I left and went home to pack are bags for the hospital. I could not stop crying no matter what, I had gotten myself into a loop of dispair. When I arrived at the hospital, I remember looking around seeing things that have definitely scared me for life. We checked in, and they told us to go sit down, and here I was again waiting for the worst. A while later, they finally called us back into the long hallways of the hospital. As I passed the rooms all I could think about was where are we going, what are they going to do to me. We finally made it to the room where they sat me on the hospital bed and told me a nurse would be in soon to give me a IV of fluids. I was only eight years old, how was I supposed to know that an IV was not the new doctors lingo for them going to cut my arm off. I was scared and terrified of the sounds in the hospital wondering if that would be me. When the nurses finally arose, they walked me through everything they were going to do before inserting the IV into my arm. I was relieved that it was only going to be a little pinch or so I thought. When they went to put the needle into my vein, they couldn't find it. I was so dehydrated that my vein was so small that they had to intensely search (dig) into my arm to get it. It was one of the worst pains I have ever felt. After that they proceed with bringing in other doctors to give me an ultrasound. Just another thing I was terrified of. Once they were done, they all left the room for a while except for one nurse that stayed behind to ask me what I would like to do with my time. She told me that she had coloring books, puzzles and a bunch of other toys. I ended up going with the coloring books. After what felt like ages of coloring, a new nurse came in and told me it was time to check my Blood Sugar. I thought to myself why are all of these doctors saying all of these big words when I am so young and unable to comprehend . The nurse thought it would be a good idea to slightly pull out my IV to receive some blood. Long story short there was a lot of pain involved when the nurse ended up not even getting blood from my IV but from pricking my finger instead. After several long hours at the hospital, they let me go home. Just when I thought everything was over I learned that I just scratched the surface on my new life. The next day, I had to go to training about everything type one. On our way there, I thought that it was smart to pretend to sleep so when they got there I wouldn't have to go in. All good thoughts have to come to an end right? When my family and I got there, they dragged me in as if I was a rag doll. As we entered the doctor's office and checked in and it was back to sitting, waiting for the diabectic educator to call me in. I started asking my parents questions: are they going to give me another IV. All they could tell me was that they did not know. Once the educator called me in, I remember feeling like time froze. As the educator was going through all of the supplies and all of the books that they recommended me to read. I sat there in shock at the amount of information they wanted me to read when I was only at a third grade reading level. We were probably there for about three hours before the educator told us to go get lunch at the subway next door and once we get back, we will work on shots. As my parents and I walked out of the building, I started crying because I finally knew what the rest of my life would look like. We entered the subway, and I wanted to wait as long as possible to get my food because I was not ready to go back into the dreadful room full of needles and the strange looking thing that I had to use to test my blood sugar. I could tell that my emotions would not stop us from walking back into the office. Once I was dragged back into the room the frightful time was here. The educator taught my dad first how to give the shot because he would be the one to insert it. My mom had to hold me down while my educator pinched my skin and three, two, one everything was over the insulin was in, and I could enjoy the very first meal with dosing insulin. After what felt like forever, I was back at home trying to comprehend what had happened over the last two days. I remember my mom leaving for the first time to pick up my CVS prescription and how she needed the same thing I did time to comprehend. When she arrived back home, I watched as she brought in the biggest bags worth of insulin needles and a lot more. The first night with shots I was still terrified of them I would be for the next few months. Flash forward to now I am thinking back on my whole experience. Most of the memories are blurry because it was and is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. This event not only changed my life but it has changed my family’s, too. For instance, there are things my sister wants me to do with her that I can not because I have bad blood sugar, and the times that I am able to do things I have to make sure I am getting my school work done so I do not fall behind. My diagnosis has changed my life not only physically but mentally. At such a young age, I had to grow up and mature because every decision I make becomes life or death. I am proud of myself for being able to become who I am today. I am independent, smart, and responsible with my diabetes. My diagnosis is my strength because I know if I could get through that I can get through anything. My life is full of ups and downs throughout my type one. My diagnosis has made me stronger physically and mentally. I love my type one diabetes because my type one is me.